it is day one. this morning my heart broke in my chest for the second time since august. the jagged leftovers rattled inside me. if i lied on my side they did not threaten to pierce my skin.

i stayed in that position and felt like i was compressing into myself until i was a hardened figurine lying among bekah’s quilt; which was once no comfort at all, but became soothing and soft as it engulfed the mini version of who i was with you in my life.

i have put it on my desk, next to my new book, the bedlam stacks. i reach for it but i won’t pick it up. why play with toys when i have a good read?

i ate one waffle today. it was very good, and i gagged very much. i forced myself to sleep, and i dreamt of nothing. i don’t know if i was really sleeping, but it was nice.

i broke my promise to myself and you and we called and texted. i felt very good and very guilty. it was how eating the waffle should have been.

i went to a chinese restaurant and it was closed. i wanted a chicken corn soup but i can’t do or have what i want today.

i dyed maya’s hair purple and it didn’t show up. it was not the color we had thought. box dye is cheap and things don’t always turn out the way we predict. even when they do, the color fades, doesn’t it? maybe it will look better tomorrow in the sunlight.

i’m sure it will.