Forgiveness, hello.

It’s good to see you again. I’ve been in so much pain these past few weeks. In the mornings I wake up sad. At night I sleep angry. I think about you a lot.

Why did you leave me alone?

I never forgot you, you know. At 5pm last Tuesday I walked through the city looking for you. I saw many sights, but I knew you weren’t there. The city looked beautiful, though it was so empty. It’s like a coloring page but no one can find crayons. You don’t see smiles anymore. Everyone’s got masks on. But I guess that’s not so different than how it used to be.

I can remember last May. A blue and clear day. We spent it together, remember? We saw so many people smiling in the sun, but even then it seemed they wore masks all the same. The people of this city, they have missed you too.

Some haven’t seen you for so long that they’ve completely stopped looking. Some still search for you in a therapy appointment. Some in an acupuncture booking.

A few search frantically, and these days so do I. Sometimes I feel you stroking my back when I cry.

But then you are gone. And I look for you again.

Forgiveness, you are truly a difficult friend. All I ask is you stop going away. You know how hard it is to forget you. No matter how bitter a day or a year or a life. We have all felt your embrace at least once. We have all felt your peace. And even if long ago, that feeling will never truly cease.

And I’ve finally found you! I’ve never stopped searching. My eyes are wet and my stomach is lurching. I feel sick. A bit tired.

I’ve walked a long road to be here. And I’ve walked it with grace. I have used the bits of peace that you left in the jar at my old place. Up on the top rack of the spice shelf in my parents house. Right next to the chili powder. That kitchen is where I last saw you.

I have given those bits away, every single day, and suddenly you are upon me.

I’m forgiving the people that hurt me. Slowly, as you once taught me.

Sometimes I think I’ve seen you but it is so fleeting that I am not sure. But I see you today. I wish you would stay. It really has been too long. And you haven’t made it easy.

To find you is madness. To find you is pain. To find you is like rubbing out an impossible stain.

Finding you has taken time. And keeping you will take so much more.

But for tonight, I have you. Sit. Let me pour you some tea. I know no matter what I say, soon you will be leaving me.

Tomorrow I will wake, and you will be gone.

But I’ll remember this visit, and I will keep searching on.